This past weekend was Memorial Day. Like most Americans I celebrated this solemn holiday by spending time outdoors, drinking a little too much, and taking advantage of all the 2-day sales our capitalist democracy afforded me.
Of course, Memorial Day is more than just a 3-day weekend featuring barbequed meat and canned beer; it’s also the unofficial start of summer. With the Summer of 2012 bearing down on us, I thought it the appropriate time to gaze into the future and reveal what might unfold in the upcoming months.
Bold Predictions for the Summer of 2012:
Gas prices will near $5 a gallon. People will bitch and moan. Some will blame President Obama. But despite the high cost of fuel, Americans will continue to buy large trucks and SUVs so they can “see better” on the road.
Several multi-day musical festivals will take place. At these festivals, young people will rock out, over imbibe, and collectively complain about how hard it is to be young.
Dude! I can’t wait to be older. It’s gonna be so much easier!!!
Presidential campaign ads funded by SuperPACs will attack Barak Obama for single-handedly destroying America by forcing nuns to undergo government-funded abortions performed by Muslim doctors.
Americans young and old will sincerely claim to be interested in the Summer Olympics only to abandon the sports of track and field, swimming, and gymnastics shortly after the closing ceremonies.
Smart phones will surpass the intelligence of the average human being. (Assuming this hasn’t already happened.)
A young, attractive, blonde American girl will disappear. This tragedy will dominate the 24-hour news cycle for weeks and Nancy Grace will be apoplectic about the lack of justice. Thousands of uglier people will disappear and no one will care.
Record hot temperatures will be recorded around the country. Some people will blame global warming. Some will blame President Obama. Temps will cool in September and all Americans will silently agree to not give a shit about the weather until the arrival of winter.
Super hero movies will finally find their audience and make a respectable amount of money at the box office.
After 3 movies, the Batman franchise might finally turn a profit.
Presidential campaign ads funded by SuperPACs will attack Mitt Romney for destroying vibrant companies then grounding the laid off workers into a paste and using it to grout his 900-square-foot bathroom.
The Chicago Cubs WILL NOT win the World Series. (Technically, this is a fall prediction, but it’s bold nonetheless.)
I will continue to write posts for this blog despite summer’s attempt to seduce me into a prolonged state of procrastination. Maybe.
Mr. Sunshine 