After four years of longing, another Olympiad is finally upon us. London is the host to the 2012 Summer Games and you can imagine the Brits will make a jolly good show of it. I for one cannot wait to spend hours lounging on my couch, drinking beer, eating Doritos, and watching the sheer competitive brilliance that is dressage and badminton.
Unfortunately, this year’s Olympics have already been sullied in my mind because of the obscenity that is the official London 2012 mascots. Sure, this cycloptic duo (called Wenlock and Mandeville) may seem like fun-loving characters created to market the Games to children and people with the intelligence of children, but let’s call them out for what they really are… giant walking sex toys.
Ladies… say hello to Wenlock and Mandeville!
Look closely at Wenlock and Mandeville. Observe their shapes. Study their contours. Notice that ridges and wrinkles on the tops of their heads. These mascots were clearly designed with one purpose in mind: giving women unspeakable physical pleasure.
And this isn’t the first time the Olympic hosts have looked to the Hustler Store for mascot inspiration. The 2004 Summer Olympics in Athens introduced the world to Athena and Phevos a pair whose design was as phallic as it was mediocre.
Sex toys? Or future Olympic mascots?
Of course, the real proof will be in the final sales numbers. If my suspicions are correct, Wenlock and Mandeville paraphernalia will sell circles around former Olympic mascots. Middle-aged women fueled by their love of Fifty Shades of Grey will be more than willing to pluck down $20 to bring home these rather suggestive souvenirs. Brace yourself for the inevitable day when you’re visiting that single aunt of yours and notice the cycloptic duo’s beady eyes staring back at you from her bedroom bookshelf. They’re collector’s items, she’ll say. But you’ll know better.
On the bright side, at least the British made an attempt at subtlety. You can almost believe these mascots were created for kids and that a woman’s lady parts were the furthest things from their mind. Something tells me we won’t be so lucky in 2016 when the host city is Rio de Janeiro – the home of Carnival. Com certeza!
Mr. Sunshine 