Life is short. And because my time on earth is fleeting, I try not to frequent places that depress me and/or remind me of how short life truly is. These places include (but are not limited to) nursing homes, funerals homes, Red Lobster restaurants, homeless shelters, VFW halls, and Post Offices.
Of all of the aforementioned hell holes, the Post Office might actually be the most depressing. The USPS may not be filled with Octogenarians drooling their way through bingo as they stoically wait to die, but it is $9 billion in the red. At least Grandpa will someday be relieved of the torment of mortal life. The Post Office, on the other hand, will simply suffer the indignity of being a broken down shell of its former self and continue to hemorrhage money for the rest of eternity.
Inside today’s Post Office.
There was talk last year of shutting down thousands of branches in order to make ends meet, but last month it was announced that the USPS will simply trim hours in rural facilities to try and save $500 million a year. Not exactly an innovative solution. What the Post Office needs to do is completely reinvent itself. Time Magazine recently explored the topic and had some interesting ideas on how the USPS could get its groove back, but their suggestions were predictably cautious. I want to see a revolution. I want to see the institution truly evolve and become a part of our government that can not only support itself, but maybe even turn a profit and help support other worthy programs.
I want to see the Post Office provide the American people a place to gamble on sports.
I know what you’re thinking. “Hey moron, isn’t sports wagering illegal in the U.S. except in Nevada?” I guess. But why should Nevada have all the fun? Let’s change the laws so those fine people in blue sweaters and dark socks can start accepting our sports wagers. Think of the possibilities. While you’re waiting in line to send your sister a belated birthday card, you could also scan NFL futures odds and try to figure out if the Carolina Panthers are worth a taste at 40-1.
Inside the Post Office of the future!
I’m certain the holier than thou types would cry foul and insist that gambling is a sin that’s corroding our values, and destroying families, and blah, blah, blah. If it’s so unspeakably evil then why are we so tolerant of bingo and the lottery and card rooms and office pools and horse racing and Indian casinos? Hell, the stock market is basically legalized gambling and we’ve built our entire economy around that crap shoot.
Think about this for a minute. Put your prejudices aside. Search your heart. Can you really tell me there’s a better way to recoup a $9 billion loss while also keeping down the cost of a postage stamp? I’m waiting. Well? You’ve got nothing. What I’ve got is a way to ensure the Post Office’s solvency for decades while also keeping millions of degenerate sports fans enthusiastically entertained.
You’re welcome.
Mr. Sunshine 