America is a funny place. If you listen to the rhetoric on the presidential campaign trail, you’d have to assume we’re one election cycle away from experiencing an economic Armageddon that would mortally cripple our nation and turn the continental U.S. into a post-apocalyptic wasteland. Yet despite all this talk of rampant unemployment and sluggish growth, our citizenry seem to find a lot of frivolous ways to spend our disappearing wealth.
Take me, for instance. This past weekend, I celebrated my girlfriend’s birthday by running with her in the Warrior Dash – an obstacle/adventure race that’s sweeping the nation. The event combines a 3-mile run with lots of mud and obstacles one normally wouldn’t get access too without joining the military or becoming a contestant on a Japanese game show.
Just a leisurely run through the park.
But even in these tough economic times, the Warrior Dash was able to pack ‘em in despite the rather pricey entry fee (roughly $100 per person). The event was packed with people of all ages (and sizes) who were more than content to spend their hard-earned money for the privilege of challenging their bodies to do things they’d normally avoid at all costs.
And this race is hardly unique. There are several themed races touring the country this summer. There’s the Spartan Race, the Muddy Buddy, the Great Urban Race and, my favorite, Run for Your Lives – the Zombie-dodging trek that allows you to experience the fun of running from the undead without the inconvenience of having your skull gnawed into mush.
What are you smiling about, lady? Those are zombies! Run!
Being the enterprising individual that I am, I immediately began thinking of how I could cash in on the obstacle/adventure race trend and came up with some brilliant ideas for new races .
Nerd Herds
In this race, legions of dateless, Comic-Con loving geeks run a 5K dressed as their favorite comic book, Star Was, Star Trek, or Lord of the Rings character while also avoiding the touch of the opposite sex.Participants have minutes added to their official run time whenever the females pursuing them make contact and give them “cooties.”
The Die Hard Race (or John McClane Classic)
Race participants climb the stairs in a 30+ story skyscraper in bare feet while sporting a wife beater and a salty, NYC cop attitude. Upon reaching the top floor, runners must sprint across a floor of broken glass and scream “Yippee-ki-yay, mother fucker” as they cross the finish line.
The Great Urban Decay Race
Spend a weekend morning running through dilapidated replicas of America’s fallen cities. Runners make their way through the recreated streets of Cleveland, Buffalo, and Detroit, hurdle giant piles of trash while also dodging homeless Vets and Meth addicts. Once participants reach the finish line, they board a bus and pretend to head for cities with more vibrant economic futures.
Nothing’s more exciting than a run through Detroit!
Perhaps in the end, American’s boredom with simply running against a clock on dry land with no chance of sustaining serious injury will be exactly what we need to pull The U.S. of A. out of economic turmoil. On the other hand, it may just be a good excuse to get really muddy and eat giant turkey legs.
In either case, I’m in!
Mr. Sunshine 