While most people mark Labor Day as the official end of summertime, we all know that it’s the first weekend of NFL football that truly indicates that autumn is upon us. This past Sunday red-blooded American men suddenly went into a zombie-like state the rendered them unable to process any information that wasn’t pigskin related. Women and children from sea to shining sea found themselves as alone as a vegetarian at a Texas BBQ.
While people still nostalgically refer to baseball as “America’s Pastime,” you don’t have to be a SportsCenter anchor to know that the NFL surpassed MLB in popularity years ago. Thanks to the League’s enormous TV presence, the popularity of fantasy football and office pools, and our nation’s thirst for all things violent, it’s not even a contest. Football is king. Or should I say Czar? How can the NFL maintain such overwhelming popularity when it clearly goes against everything we stand for?
If Republican politicians are correct (and really, when are they ever wrong?), we live in a center-right country that loves free markets, deregulation, and apple pie. If that’s truly the case, shouldn’t we collectively hate the NFL? After all, this is a league that’s all about revenue sharing, collective bargaining, and market choking regulation. To say nothing of the fact that most NFL stadiums DO NOT serve apple pie.
These people may love football, but they hate America.
NFL franchises are billion dollar businesses run, in many cases, by captains of industry. And yet these teams are NOT allowed to go into the free market and spend wantonly on players. The amount of money they’re allowed to dole out on their most important employees is strictly regulated. Keeping salaries under the League imposed cap is so important that every off-season hardworking players are shown the door simply to remove their contracts from the books.
Speaking of contracts… Did you know that NFL players belong to a union? It’s true. Last summer when this pinko coalition’s contract had expired, there was almost a work stoppage. To make matters worse, the NFLPA has a pension fund for retired players. Can you imagine anything as unpatriotic as collective bargaining and providing money to people who no longer perform a service?
The NFL also has a strict policy of revenue sharing. They take the truckloads of money earned through national television contracts and redistribute it evenly amongst the 32 teams. How is this allowed to happen? There are several franchises whose nationwide popularity is worth far more to NFL ratings than the smaller market teams. Giving the Jacksonville Jaguars the same amount of TV revenue as the Dallas Cowboys isn’t just absurd, it’s downright un-American!
Well, at least the League doesn’t reward failure. Unless you count the NFL Draft. When an organization does a poor job of putting a quality product on the field, their team is unfairly rewarded with a higher pick. Why reward ineptitude? Just to maintain competitive balance? That’s B.S.! Winners should reap the benefits of their hard work and intelligence, while losers should be cast into the wasteland of the lazy and unmotivated. That’s the American way. That’s how things should be done. And damn it, that’s what should happen to the Cleveland Browns!
And don’t get me started on the multimillion dollar palaces NFL teams play their games in. The tab for these stadiums should be picked up by the ultra-rich franchise owners whose personal fortunes exceed the working man’s wildest dreams. Instead, tax payers foot the bill time and time again. Why don’t the politicians who pass these stadium bills just go ahead and wipe their asses with Old Glory while they’re at it.
Are you ready for some Corporate Welfare?
If American sports fans really want to celebrate our nation’s values through professional athletics, we should start watching European football (aka soccer). I know Europeans are all foreign and swarthy and in love with socialized medicine, but hear me out. In those leagues, there are no salary caps. Players and can be bought and sold on the open market like the commodities they are. (Sometimes, at a profit to the club owners.) And when a soccer club is mismanaged and performs poorly on the pitch (that’s what those weirdos call a field) that team is not rewarded with high draft picks, they’re castoff into a lower, crappier division. This allows for a more American, free market, win or go home approach to the game. Sure, most leagues only have 3-4 ultra rich teams that can truly compete for a championship, but what’s wrong with that? That’s the American way!
Simply put, the NFL goes against everything this Reagan-loving country holds dear. And yet most Americans can’t get enough of it. Before long, the sport will indoctrinate the whole lot of us. Because if we’re willing to support regulation, fairness, and government spending in the context of professional athletics, it’s only a matter of time until we all embrace Obamacare and an equitable tax policy.
God help us all!
Mr. Sunshine 