Peeple Bee Stoopid

Each morning I wake up and go out into the world accompanied by a few well-earned assumptions. I assume that it might rain (I live in Seattle), that everything is “Made in China,” and, most importantly, that people are stupid.

To clarify, when I say “people are stupid,” I don’t mean that every single, living person is stupid. I simply mean that the human race in general is not very bright. Sure, there are some really smart men and women out there, but for every well-educated person with a doctorate hanging on their wall, there’s a least five people with an Obama with a Hitler mustache poster hanging on theirs. (And yes, believing Obama is a Hitler-like figure makes you stupid. I’d take the time to explain why, but if you need it explained then you’re one of the idiots.)

Ten bucks says a sunflower can beat this guy at checkers.

The bright, cheery, every day is a beautiful gift-type folks might find my outlook harsh and cynical. I find it to be completely rational and well-documented. Glance at any given news source on any given day and you’ll find a story about some simpleton engaging in some ill-fated activity that can only be described as mind-numbingly daft.

This week you needn’t look any further than the story of the dimwitted couple who placed themselves on the Mount Rushmore of bad parenting (right next to the Octomom and Tanning Mom) when they decided it would be funny to put their toddler into a washing machine. No word on what new comedic ground these geniuses were hoping to uncover with this stunt, but when their son began spinning around the machine as it filled with water, the punchline ceased to matter. Fortunately, a non-idiot was there to stop the machine and save the day.

What’s even less funny than a baby nearly drowning in a washing machine is the fact that American voters have become so moronic that our politicians feel compelled to stoop to our level. According to a recent study by the Sunlight Foundation, members of Congress are communicating less intelligently, speaking a full grade level lower than they were just seven years ago.

The most prophetic movie ever?

A solid argument could be made that we’ve simply been electing ignorant public representatives. However, I strongly suspect that anyone running for office is more than willing to dumb down their rhetoric in order to win an election. Politicians pander to their constituents in every conceivable way, there’s no reason to think reducing the number of syllables they use in a sentence would somehow be beneath them. (In fact, this would probably be the least offensive thing they could do during an election cycle.) And once they get into office, they must maintain this very basic vocabulary lest any of the folks back home start to think of them as highfalutin or elitist.

In a time when our problems are vast and not easily addressed, it scares me to think our leaders are taking their cues from an increasingly moronic electorate. (Remember, the people who put their children in washing machines and tanning beds still get to vote.)

The good news is that not every single, living person is stupid. My fear is it’s only a matter of time until that’s no longer the case. Oh well. At least we’ll have smart phones to remind us to change our clothes and wipe our asses.