A Mother’s Day Promise…

Dear Mom…

As your first born, I felt obligated to write to you this Mother’s Day to extend my appreciation for all that you’ve done for me. You’ve been an above average mom during my thirty-eight glorious years on this earth, and I’d be remiss if I didn’t offer you my warmest and most sincere thanks for all your hard work and sacrifice. So I’d like to take this opportunity to make some very sincere (though not legally binding) promises to you regarding your future living arrangements.

I promise that when the time comes, I will put you in the best nursing home I can afford. I’d promise the best “money can buy,” but let’s be honest, I’m not that successful. I have credit cards I need to pay off, a child to put through college, and a retirement to plan for. So unless I win the lottery, the “best I can afford” is the best you can hope for.

You’re sending me where…?

I promise that this “home” will be relatively clean and, with any luck, not smell like stale urine. I will do some cursory research to make sure this facility is licensed by the state, and I’ll try to find out if any of their employees are ex-cons or hard drug users. I’d hate to have deadbeats rifling through your personal belongings looking for valuables while you sleep.

I promise that your final residence will provide minimal recreational activities – like bingo or some sort of organized drooling – and the best pureed food ever run through a blender. Imagine how good your favorite meals will taste once you learn to drink them through a straw. Yum!

I promise to try and visit you on weekends whenever possible. If I’m not available because of an important sporting event or tee time, I’ll send your grandson instead. He will inevitably feel uncomfortable and depressed in such a morbid setting, but he’ll be a teenager so he won’t have much to say anyway. With any luck, you’ll be too senile to know whether you’re talking to him or me.

Today’s group activity… balloon races!

I promise to visit you on Mother’s Day, your birthday, and at least two other legally recognized American holidays. On these special occasions I promise to give you at least one hour of my time and bring you gifts; the finest items available at the nearest gas station. (I don’t want to spoil the surprise, but there’s a lot of air fresheners and beef jerky headed your way.)

In short, I promise to be a typical, American child, too busy, too important, and too self-involved to take care of you myself. I’ll certainly feel horrible about the situation, but I will mask those feelings of guilt and remorse with righteous rationalization and regretful neglect. And in time, your grandson will turnaround and do the same to me.

Happy Mother’s Day!
(And you’re welcome in advance.)

Sincerely,
Your Loving Son