Every Rose Has Its Hypothetical Conversation

Recently, as I rode the ferry into Seattle to go to work, I overheard a conversation in which a chaperone on a school trip explained to a few 12-year-old boys who Paul McCartney and the Beatles were. While the kids seemed only mildly interested in what the man had to say, he was clearly excited to be introducing these young men to the majesty that was the Beatles.

Listening to this conversation led me to tweet the following:

Guy on ferry telling kids who Paul McCartney and the Beatles were. Look forward to telling my son about Bret Michaels and Poison.

This got me thinking… what would this hypothetical conversation between me and my son actually sound like? For the sake of this exercise, let’s assume my son is a curious, 12-year-old when he decides to inquire about the majesty that was Poison.

MY SON: Dad, I saw some guy named Bret Michaels on TV the other day. I guess he used to be in a band called Poison. Did you listen to them?
ME:  I sure did.
MY SON: Did this Bret Michaels guy always look like an old woman?
ME: No. Back in the ‘80s he looked like a young woman.
MY SON: Did he always wear that douchie cowboy hat?
ME: Sometimes. Other times he just wore a douchie bandana.
MY SON: Has anyone ever seen the top of his head?
ME: Not since ’89.

The '80s... when men were men. Sort of.

MY SON: Was Poison a good band?
ME: Define “good.”
MY SON: You know, good.
ME: Well, Poison was part of a musical sub-genre known as hair metal. It was kind of fun, and sometimes it was kinda good. And of the bands in that sub-genre Poison was probably one of the better ones.
MY SON: Oh.
ME: At the time, I was such a big fan that I actually ran out and bought their second album the first day it was released. I was that excited about getting it. I still have that cassette.
MY SON: What’s a cassette?
ME: Basically, it was a crappy way to listen to music.
MY SON: What were Poison’s songs about?
ME: Mostly they were about partying or sex or some combination of the two. And once an album they worked in the obligatory power ballad, which was the custom at the time. It seems odd in hindsight given the way they treated women and relationships in the non-power ballad songs.
MY SON: Did you ever see them live?
ME: No. But I did own a Poison t-shirt. (Remembering.) It had the Poison logo on the front – bands always had symbols or logos or special fonts back then – and on the back, it said “Talk Dirty to Me.” (My son looks confused.) That was the name of one of their more popular songs.
MY SON: How old were you when you wore that shirt?
ME: Uh… your age.
MY SON: And Grandma let you wear a shirt that said “talk dirty to me” in public?
ME: Umm… yes.
MY SON: Why?
ME: I have no idea.
MY SON: Dad…
ME: Yes, son?
MY SON: I’m glad I didn’t grow up back when you grew up.
ME: Me, too, son. Me, too.